Down with Simmons!
by Lady Threarah
Summary: In which Sam and friends get revenge against Simmons in the form of pranks.
1. Chapter 1

A.N.: Hi all! I know I should be working on my other stories, but this just won't leave me alone. And with the way the bunny is biting me, I forsee many more chapters. Oh, and if anyone has pulled pranks and wants to see them happen, please tell me about 'em!

Prank 1: Bear-trap

Sam yawned as he sat next to Mikaela at the human sized table, neither quite awake at the early hour of the morning. The Autobots, who kept different sleeping schedules than the humans, only smiled at the two teenagers from different points of the large room. Bumblebee sat near them, chuckling to himself.

"Remind me again why you had me wake you up so early? Surely you could use more rest." Identical evil grins spread across the humans faces.

"Wait for it-"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

All the Autobots stiffened when they heard the yell. They turned to Sam when he spoke. "That sounds like Simmons woke up and saw his room."

"YAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"That would be the honey between his toes," chirped Mikaela.

"HHIIIIYYYAAAAAAHHH!!!"

"The dishwashing soap on the floor by his bed." (Sam)

"YYEEEEEAAAAARRRRRRG!!!"

"The top drawer filled with roaches." (Mikaela)

"GHHHAAAAAA!!!"

"The face-full of egg yolks-" Sam was interrupted, but he had expected it.

"BLLEEEAAAARRRRGGG!!!"

"-and the bucket of feathers." (Sam)

"EEEEEEEKKKKKK!!"

"And don't forget the balloons filled with half-melted slush and yellow food coloring," finished Mikaela

For a few moments, there was silence. Then Bumblebee spoke. "Why did you do that to him?"

The smile faded from Sam's face. "Because he was the one who ordered your torture. And I'm not going to stop until he has suffered as much as you have."


	2. Chapter 2

A.N.: A big hug for my reviewers! All three of you! And a cookie for those who can guess which tv show I stole this from. It was just too good to pass up.

Chapter 2: Wake-up call

It was the wee small hours of the morning that found Red Alert inspecting the last-minute changes and details of the new security system for the Autobot base. He had landed just three days ago along with Inferno, and both of them had begun the security system almost immediately. They had also, however briefly, been introduced to the humans that frequent the base, as well as been told of Sam and Mikaela's plans to torment Simmons. Privately, he thought the children were cute in trying to avenge Bumblebee, but didn't say anything out loud.

Now though, everything had been checked, and it was time to get the system online. He flipped the on/off switch and waited patiently for the computer to boot up for the first, and hopefully last, time. Clicking a few keys, he looked through the scenes displayed to ensure all the cameras were working. One scene gave him pause.

"What the-"

Simmons was interrupted from a wonderful dream to the sound of an incredibly loud car alarm going off. Not bothering to open his eyes, he simply rolled over, assuming that whomever owned the car would turn off the alarm any moment now. A few seconds later Simmons realized that he was at the Autobot base and that his car was the only one with a proper alarm. It was also _his_ car alarm currently going off. Confused, he sat up. Then screamed.

"WHAT THE FUCK-!"

There was his car. Right there, on the floor, between him and the door. Stunned, Simmons just sat there and stared stupidly at it as the alarm continued to sound right in his face. Finally, he gathered enough wits together to grab his keys off the nightstand and push the button that would turn it off. It did, making his ears ring in the silence that followed. His eyes narrowed. "Witwicky."

* * *

Optimus Prime sat behind his new desk (a gift from the US government) patiently listening to Simmons scream about how Sam was out of control and needed to be stopped. As the human paced and ranted across the top of the desk, Optimus wondered if it was wrong of him to want to laugh at Simmons. He also wondered how the two children had gotten that SUV up the stairs and into Simmons room, which was on the second floor of the barracks.


	3. Chapter 3

A.N.: This chapter is one of the reasons why there is a "T" rating.

**Disclaimer**: If I owned Transformers, Simmons would have been squished a long time age. Since he still lives...

Chapter 3--Prank calls

Ironhide knew there would be trouble when the twins landed. Only the trouble did not involve himself for once. Both Sunstreaker and Sideswipe had somehow managed to find out why the human children were tormenting Simmons, and decided to help them do it. They did, after all, view Bumblebee as a younger brother. The weapons specialist had seen Sides looking at the cell phone Simmons left on the table with interest. It wasn't until later that evening that he found out what the red twin had done.

* * *

"Found you." Grumbled Simmons. His phone had been missing all day, making the normally arrogant human grouchy at the thought of missing any calls from his superiors. Now though, the phone was sitting innocently on the human sized table where he had eaten breakfast. Picking up the device, he noticed the blinking icon indicating he had voice mail. He growled, his ire rising. "Great. Just great." Hoping it wasn't anything too important, he started listening.

"Hey baby," came the voice of an unknown male, "I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time, but I need to hear the sound of your voice as I-" All the blood drained from the agent's face at the rather graphic message that followed. He pushed the delete button and the program went to the next in line.

"Sugar, I've missed you so much. All I wanna do it take my tongue and-" Pale green was now the dominate color on Simmons face. There was no way in HELL any man enjoy that!! Hurriedly, his fingers sought the delete button and pushed it, making way for the next voice mail.

"I wanna touch you, squeeze you, put my d-" _that_ message was deleted before it could go any further. Simmons let out a whimper as he went through the voice mail box, each item recorded by a different male and each one even raunchier than the last.

Thoroughly grossed out and not a little freaked, the agent simply sat and stared at his phone wondering how all these people had gotten his number and wondering why they were leaving such…_disgusting_ messages. Surely his out-going message would have tipped them off to having a wrong number. Right?

He pushed the button that would allow him to hear and change his out-going message and was shocked to hear a woman's voice all but purring in his ears. "Hello, darling. I'm sorry I'm not in right now," here, she gave a soft moan, dripping with pleasure, "I'm a little _busy_ right now. Leave me a sexy message and I'll call you back." Another moan, louder and more intense than the first ended the message. Simmons managed to delete it and put out a new message (shaky as his voice was) before hanging up and slumping in a nearby chair. Holy hell…

The sound of laughing drew him from his inner musing to look to the doorway where Sam and Mikaela were walking in. White-hot fury exploded from his chest, traveled through his body and tinted the edges of his vision red. "WITWICKY!" he bellowed, leaping to his feet and charging across the room, intent on strangling the brat regardless of what the Autobots would do in retaliation. Unfortunately, he never noticed Sunny and Sides following the teens in and was startled when his feet suddenly left the floor. Sideswipe held the agent gently but firmly, raising him up so they could look eye to optic.

"What's your problem, human?"

"That brat was messing with my phone, changing my message board and getting others to prank call me!"

"Prank calls?" asked Sam, looking puzzled. "What prank calls?"

Growling, Simmons explained what he had heard on his phone mere minutes previous. Both teens were laughing before he finished his explanation.

"Well, I can see why you're mad. But I gotta tell you—I didn't do that." He grinned infuriatingly up at the agent. "Though that guy deserves major props for creativity and ingenuity. I _never_ would have thought to mess with your phone, even if I knew how!" With that both he and Mikaela left, laughing long after they disappeared from sight.

Catching the smile from the corner of his eye, Simmons turned to snarl at the red Autobot. "What're you laughing at?"

"Human technology is so easy to manipulate."

Sideswipe set the gaping human down and he and his brother left to catch up to the teens, their own laughter following them as they walked.


	4. Chapter 4

A.N.: A little short, but I'm a little sleep deprived. Oh, and Geekgirl? Don't worry; it's comming.

Chapter 4: I can help!

Perceptor knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. The human specie fascinated him, and watching this form of revenge that involved no physical harm was a virtually alien concept. Autobots didn't usually get revenge; after all, that was a Decepticon trait. And even though he didn't really understand human humor, he still found their actions and reactions to be funny. Especially Simmons.

* * *

"For the last time, I'm fine!"

Simmons was not in a good mood, for many reasons. First was the continuing pranks, which caused enough stress for his health to fail in the middle of flu season. Second was the sudden influx of paperwork he was required to complete (sick or not, if he was coherent, then it needed to be done) regarding his dealings with the Autobots (and Primus did he _hate_ paperwork!). Third was the Autobot Ratchet insisting that he knew more about treating human illnesses than the humans who have experienced them! Fourth was said CMO deciding that Simmons was not listening to him and simply picking the human up only to deposit him on an Autobot sized berth, which was too high to safely get down from. And fifth…

"For the love of God, _will you stop scanning me already?_"

"I am simply trying to determine the best way to treat this virus-"

"It's nothing some hot soup and a good nights rest won't fix, so lay off already!"

"I disagree. There are several methods listed on the internet. Perhaps holding you upside down and feeding you applesauce-"

"That's utter lunacy!"

"Then a shot of brandy and a horsefly rub-"

"_What? NO!_"

"Wrapping you in hot towels and lying on a bed of coals-"

"_Don't. Even. Think. About. It._"

"Then perhaps I could make a batch of anti-virus and inject you with that."

Simmons sighed. "Only if you have some human-sized needles."

"Of course. I'll use this one." From out of nowhere Ratchet pulled out a syringe that was human sized. Meaning it was six feet long. The agent made a high pitched scream and fainted.

Mikaela laughed as she stepped out from behind Ratchet's desk. With the sweetest voice she could muster, despite the wicked grin, she thanked the CMO for his help. His grin rivaled hers in terms of evil. "No problem, Mikaela."


	5. Chapter 5

A.N.: Yes, I know it's been a while! I'm sorry! RL can be cruel when distributing free time! I hope this make you guys smile! Enjoy!

* * *

You would have thought that Simmons would have known by now not to leave his belongings unattended. It seems that he hasn't. And Prowl was about to get a lesson in pranks that made him glad he wasn't human.

The mess hall was large enough for both bots and humans to sit comfortably and enjoy a meal. Simmons had set his tray on a table, only to realize he had forgotten his silverware. Prowl watched, confused, as Sam and Mikeala hurried to the tray. They pulled out several syringes full of liquid and started mixing them with the food. Vinegar and tarter sauce in the mashed potatoes, root beer over the broccoli, sprite soda over the chicken, and mustard and soy sauce in his coffee. Then they bolted for the door, giggling and whispering about part two.

Silverware in hand, Simmons sat in his chair, eager to eat his meal.

"Simmons, I do not believe you should eat that."

"Buzz off! I haven't eaten all day, and I am NOT going to listen to another lecture from your demon-spawned medic about nutrition!" To prove his point, he scooped up a forkful of potatoes and stuffed them in his mouth. Then spit them right back out. "The hell?"

Each piece of food yielded a new horrible combination, and his coffee sent him over the edge. "IS NOTHING SACRED?"

Simmons ranted as he tossed the food away, leaving for his quarters in search of a toothbrush to get the taste out of his mouth. He ignored Prowl's attempt to stop him, and it wasn't until later that Prowl heard about the 'part two'. 'Someone' had put salt on his toothbrush and hot sauce in his toothpaste, sending the agent to the med-bay to get the swelling treated.


End file.
